I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
