4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
