I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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