i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
