I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Randomize
