Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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