I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
