I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
