Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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