Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
