allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
