I wish I could teleport
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
