Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
