Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
