If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
