My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
