I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
