i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Randomize
