the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
