Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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