Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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