Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
