it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
