Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
