i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
