Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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