i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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