Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
