I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
