My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
