i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
