I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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