The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
