I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
