my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
