So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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