you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
