I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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