I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
