im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
