i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
