You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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