Please, let me fuck your mom
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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