this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
