if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
