Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
