And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
