Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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