I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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