I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
