hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
