He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
