Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
