How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
