Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
