I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
